Wishin'

“What would you like to be, if talent, time, money et cetera were not an issue?” or “If you could live any place you wanted, where would that be?” or “If you could design your own partner, what would they be like?” My friend Lulie used to ask questions like this, as we walked parts of the camino de la Compostela. Questions of this type are surprisingly difficult to answer. I tend to be reluctant to say the first thing that comes into my head, because everything you think, say and do defines who you are and of course, I want to be special, but only in the old-fashioned sense of that term. However, there are other reasons. Read on.

I am here to become a better dancer. Looking for a partner is not on my agenda. However, I met a dancer at the Tasso a week ago, with whom I ‘fell in love,’ whatever that means. (No worries, he don’t know about this blog.) This guy has all the qualities I could wish for: he is good-looking, an outstanding dancer, witty, artistic, intense, has nice manners (my dad used to say, ‘Manners cometh from the heart’.) He is here on holiday but only for a few weeks. Dancing with him, I felt euphoric, the chemistry was compelling. Yet I stalled and stalled, just couldn’t bring myself to get involved. So I broke my own heart.

Now, in retrospect I kind of wish I had let him break it for me. When you want each other, but he has had the audacity to admit he is looking for ‘the one’, that is scary. Confronting with a capital C. I mean to say, what if the glass slipper didn’t fit? Move over, darling? The self-doubt lurking in the depths of my mind starts sniggering at my aspirations and the nay-saying begins. My usual response to the dark side would be ‘Thank you for sharing’ or two fingers, but on this occasion before long, I found myself giving in, agreeing.

It made me sit up and think. I guess I had wished him into existence, but when he materialised, I disappeared. Why would that be? Clearly, ‘I’ obviously is not just one conscious entity, but several. I can never truthfully say ‘I know what I want’ because some of ‘me’ would disagree. There is a lack of integrity. The mind is ‘broken into seven different pieces’. Which brings me to the point I want to make.

I realise that a wish for anything outside of myself is a wish in vain. If I don’t measure up to my own standards, no external circumstance will ever be able to compensate for this. The wish needs to be turned inside out: a wish for transformation from the inside, to be the type of person that would naturally attract the desired circumstance. This is the Buddhist concept of Esho Funi (oneness of self and the environment.) The way I feel about anything is down to my own life-state*. And the only thing that can transform this life-state is me. I know how to do this, indeed have had plenty of experience of this, but it takes considerable effort and assiduous practice. It don't come easy.

Right then, I’m off to the Tasso. I wonder who’ll be there tonight.


Life-state* or World as in ‘The Ten Worlds’ is a Buddhist concept which describes states of mind which determine how we experience 'reality.' These change from moment to moment, although one or more may be dominant at any given time.

The Buddhists of the Soka Gakkai, who follow the teachings of Nichiren Daishonin chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo as part of a threefold practice to transform their life-state.

The Ten Worlds

Buddhahood (enlightenment which manifests as the combined qualities of courage, wisdom and compassion)
Bodhisattva (caring for others)
Realisation (also known as Absorption and manifested as inspiration, often artistic or intellectual)
Learning (self-reflection)
Rapture (overwhelming joy)
Tranquillity (also known as humanity; being able to control instinctive desires with reason)
Anger (being dominated by ego; thinking yourself better or knowing better than others)
Animality (being dominated by instinctive desires)
Hunger (being driven by greed, wanting what you have not got)
Hell (feeling hopeless, powerless, miserable)